Random Quirkiness

2011-04-01T02:52:00.000Z

A couple of days ago, an Egyptian cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo. Now it hangs out on Twitter.

2008-11-01T11:15:00.000Z

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
Cops have nothing to go on

2008-10-29T11:47:00.002Z

If Sarah Palin became president #1, #2, #3 ...

2008-10-28T11:33:00.000Z

Q: What happens to baseball players who go blind?
A: They become umpires.

2008-10-26T23:34:00.000Z

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

2008-10-26T11:25:00.000Z

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- from a church bulletin

2008-10-17T11:51:00.000Z

A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his honeymoon a chastened husband. He had become aware of the will of the wisp.

2008-10-13T11:49:00.000Z

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

2008-10-12T23:47:00.000Z

Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

2008-10-11T11:22:00.001Z

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

2008-10-08T11:29:00.000Z

Your Criticism Of Our Products
Reveals An Unsound Technical Background

2008-10-03T11:48:00.000Z

As a man was driving to the airport, he saw a sign: "AIRPORT LEFT". So he turned around and drove home.

2008-09-26T23:34:00.002Z

One of the first languages supported by Google was Klingon.

2008-09-12T11:50:00.000Z

2008-09-09T11:42:00.002Z

Just because they stole your identity does not mean they are the brightest cookies in the jar. Witness the identity thieves who tried to sell Herman Munster's personal information and credit card number, even accurately listing his home address as 1313 Mocking Bird Lane.

2008-09-08T11:33:00.001Z

Bart Simpson at the chalkboard:

I am not the acting President

2008-09-05T11:35:00.001Z

2008-09-01T11:57:00.000Z

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
-Kodos

2008-08-11T11:34:00.000Z

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.

2008-08-07T23:45:00.000Z

From the Westcar Papyrus, roughly dated at 1600 BCE, and believed to be about King Snorfru:

Q: How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?
A: You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

2008-08-04T11:20:00.001Z

ATTENTION

It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on August 4 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on August 5 (the time least likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologise. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

2008-08-03T23:36:00.000Z

The mere impulse to appetite is slavery, while obedience to law we prescribe ourselves is liberty.
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

2008-08-03T11:03:00.000Z

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- from a church announcement

2008-08-02T23:40:00.000Z

I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen

2008-08-01T11:15:00.000Z

Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill

2008-07-28T23:58:00.000Z

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law.
- Alex Levin

2008-07-28T11:06:00.000Z

If I seem to take part in politics, it is only because politics encircles us today like the coil of a snake from which one cannot get out, no matter how much one tries. I wish therefore to wrestle with the snake.
- Mahatma Gandhi

2008-07-26T11:30:00.000Z

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.
- James Dent

2008-07-25T11:31:00.000Z

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
- J.B. Priestley

2008-07-24T23:27:00.000Z

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
No sir, that is a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

2008-07-24T11:34:00.000Z

Question: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
- from a courtroom transcript

2008-07-23T23:03:00.001Z

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
- Patricia E. Presutti, Lewiston, New York, 1986 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton contest

2008-07-23T11:05:00.001Z

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman tells them to get out of there: "We don't want your type in here!"

2008-07-22T23:44:00.001Z

Occasionally in Texas it clouds up in the drought areas, and then sometimes a few furtive drops would fall. In such cases it was common for a Texan to claim he had had a five-inch rain -- the drops were five inches apart.

2008-07-22T11:36:00.000Z

From a hotel brochure, Italy:

This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

2008-07-21T23:33:00.000Z

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

2008-07-21T11:38:00.000Z

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

2008-07-20T23:40:00.000Z

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)

2008-07-19T23:02:00.000Z

So this dyslexic man walks into a bra ...

2008-07-18T11:40:00.000Z

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
- from a courtroom transcript

2008-07-18T11:03:00.000Z

Boston, United States - A toll worker on the Massachusetts turnpike is figuring out what to do with a $100 bill a driver handed him. Gary Bonarrigo says a woman gave him the money in a greeting card which said "share" and had a drawing of a star. Massachusetts Turnpike Authority rules prohibit toll takers from accepting gifts, so the money will be donated to a charity selected by Bonarrigo and his fellow toll collectors.

2008-07-17T23:13:00.000Z

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen:

Restrooms to the left.
Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

2008-07-16T23:36:00.000Z

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.

2008-07-16T11:39:00.000Z

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens the person is carrying.

2008-07-13T23:30:00.001Z

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around to determine all the things I started and hadn't finished. So today I finished off a batch of margaritas, a bottle of red wine, the last of the Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, the last two pills in the Prozac bottle, a box of chocolates, and the last bit of ice cream.

You have no idea how good I feel right now!

2008-07-10T23:43:00.000Z

Corollary:

I'm sorry, but you're completely forgetting about at least one mitigating factor. There's simply no way the earth can be destroyed, one side effect of which would be my untimely demise. Why? Because I've still got a balance on my Capital One Visa card, and they will do anything, including changing the very fabric of space and time, in order to not miss out on that interest money. So, we're safe for a while yet.
- ScentCone (795499)

2008-07-10T11:28:00.001Z

A man, facing the universe, once said, "Sir, I exist!" to which the universe replied, "Sir, that may be so but your existence imposes no obligation on my part."

2008-07-08T11:09:00.000Z

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

Obviously the sane strategy is to start drinking heavily.

2008-07-07T23:42:00.001Z

In 1875, a Swiss chocolate maker, Daniel Peter, first mixed Henri Nestle's condensed milk with chocolate to create the first milk chocolate.

2008-07-07T11:59:00.001Z

Sign on the wall in front of a photocopier:

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS

2008-07-06T23:50:00.000Z

The vision of time is broad, but when you pass through it, time becomes a narrow door.
– Dune

2008-07-06T11:55:00.000Z

From a church bulletin:

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

2008-07-05T23:30:00.000Z

I would love to go out with you, but it is my parakeet's bowling night.

2008-07-05T11:39:00.000Z

There are two secrets to success:

1. Don't tell everyone everything.

2008-07-04T23:52:00.000Z

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
- George Bernard Shaw

2008-07-04T11:49:00.000Z

Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I—it's—I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values.
- George W. Bush

2008-07-03T23:21:00.000Z

In Oklahoma, people can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

2008-07-03T11:58:00.001Z

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit molding her body, which was as warm as the seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road, a man like Alf Romeo.
- Rachel E. Sheeley, winner of the 1988 Bulwer Lytton Prize for the worst opening lines ever.

2008-07-02T23:21:00.002Z

A senior police officer, who had been working the beat since the days before wireless, thought he knew just about everyone in the community, but now he was confused by the person all the radio people seemed to know but he had never heard of. They kept telling the officers to go see Charlie L. Lincoln. [C, Charlie; L, Lincoln]

2008-07-02T11:15:00.002Z

When Dan Deming tore down a 100-year-old shed on his Wisconsin farm, he found an unexpected buried treasure: a rusted box full of Depression-era cash. Although the bills, all dated between 1928 and 1934, were so deteriorated that it was difficult to tell their value, the box also contained scraps of newspaper with dollar amounts on it that totaled around $1,700. Dan has turned the find over to the United States Treasury, which redeems mutilated currency at face value.

2008-07-01T23:45:00.000Z

You know that these two nations are at war about a few acres of snow somewhere around Canada, and that they are spending on this beautiful war more than all Canada is worth.
- Voltaire, Candide

2008-07-01T11:56:00.000Z

We demand that the government of Canada force Stockwell Day to change his first name to Doris. Why do this, you may ask? Because it'll be fun.
– Rick Mercer

2008-06-30T23:25:00.000Z

Bring your self-promotion, your spam here: a special place where it will be duly welcomed, admired, mocked, and occasionally rated. (You have been warned.)

2008-06-30T11:54:00.000Z

Warning label on a children's stroller:

Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it.

2008-06-29T23:34:00.000Z

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.

2008-06-29T11:42:00.000Z

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- from a church announcement

2008-06-28T23:23:00.001Z

Husband: Why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm?
Wife: Because you are never here.

2008-06-28T11:47:00.001Z

It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket: every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.
- Kevin Keegan

2008-06-27T23:19:00.000Z

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

2008-06-27T11:35:00.000Z

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

2008-06-26T23:31:00.000Z

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

2008-06-26T11:19:00.002Z

Miss Wormwood: Yes, Calvin? You have a question?
Calvin: Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day.
Miss Wormwood: Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and ...
Calvin: Miss Wormwood?
Miss Wormwood: Yes?
Calvin: How about just me then?
- Calvin and Hobbes

2008-06-25T23:54:00.000Z

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
- George Bernard Shaw

2008-06-25T11:42:00.001Z

Bart Simpson at the chalkboard:

Underwear should be worn on the inside

2008-06-24T23:49:00.000Z

"Charming man," [Arthur] said. "I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry him."
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2008-06-24T11:48:00.001Z

In the Oxford English Dictionary, these are the only six-letter words English-language words with one occurrence of one letter, two occurrences of another letter, and three occurrences of yet another letter:
ALLELE, ANATTA, ARREAR, ARRERE, BEDDED, BETTEE, BREERE, CACCAO, CEESSE, COBBOB, COCOON, DEESSE, DOLOOL, DOODAD, EFFERE, EMMELE, EMMENE, ENNEAN, ESSEDE, FEYFFE, GAGGEE, GIGGIT, GOOGOL, GREGGE, HAMMAM, HUMMUM, HUBBUB, JETTEE, KOKOON, LEESSE, LESSEE, LESSES, MAMMAL, MAMMEE, MOSSOO, MUTUUM, NERRER, OSSOUS, PAZAZZ, PEPPER, PERREE, PIPPIN, POWWOW, REEDER, REEFER, REEFFE, REFEFF, RETREE, SEASSE, SECESS, SEESEN, SENSSE, SESSLE, SETTEE, SISSOO, TATTEE, TATTOO, TEDDED, TEERER, TEETER, TEETHE, TERRER, TESTEE, TETHEE, TETTER, TITTEE, TREETE, UNNUNG, VEERER, WEEDED, and ZAARRA.

2008-06-23T23:23:00.000Z

MOUNT SHASTA, California - Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a firefighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career.

2008-06-23T11:43:00.000Z

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

2008-06-22T23:59:00.001Z

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.
- Blaise Pascal

2008-06-22T11:24:00.000Z

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- from a church announcement

2008-06-21T23:50:00.000Z

An intellectual was congratulated by a friend on the birth of a son. "Yes," he replied, "thanks to all my friends!"

(Literally a classical joke: it comes from Philogelos 98!)

2008-06-21T11:18:00.001Z

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
- Calvin and Hobbes

2008-06-20T23:30:00.000Z

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2008-06-20T11:08:00.000Z

For a new PC,
Center of my universe,
I abandon all.

2008-06-19T23:36:00.000Z

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- Spike Milligan

2008-06-19T11:25:00.001Z

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

2008-06-18T23:21:00.000Z

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

2008-06-18T11:49:00.000Z

One soldier asked another to pass the pudding. The other quickly refused: "No way, José!"
"But whyever not?"
"It is against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

2008-06-18T11:25:00.000Z

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but it is actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway, and then the first one sat on the other's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

2008-06-17T23:35:00.002Z

In London, England, developers who wanted to build luxury apartments in a rezoned city park tried to evict a man who had been living in a shack in a corner of that park. They were shocked to discover that, according to the law, the man was the legal owner of that land, because he had been living there more than twelve years -- and he was not moving. The 90 square foot plot of land is worth approximately seven million dollars.

2008-06-17T11:51:00.000Z

Like dogs in a wheel, birds in a cage, or squirs in a chain, ambitious men still climb and climb, with great labour and incessant anxiety, but never reach the top.
- Robert Browning

2008-06-16T23:23:00.000Z

The New York phone book had 22 Hitlers listed before World War II ... and none after.

2008-06-16T11:08:00.000Z

Bart Simpson at the chalkboard:

I will not strut around like I own the place

2008-06-15T23:26:00.000Z

The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them.
- William Henry Bragg

2008-06-15T11:51:00.000Z

After a night of drinking, an Italian couple in their early 30s was caught having sex in a church confessional box during morning Mass. They have since made peace with the local bishop, who has forgiven them and celebrated a Mass of reparation in the church where the transgression took place.

2008-06-14T23:14:00.000Z

NIAGARA FALLS, CANADA - The operators of Casino Niagara told a local newspaper that customers urinating around slot machines had become a serious problem. Customers who believed a slot machine would soon pay off were afraid to leave the machines and either wore adult diapers, urinated into the plastic coin cups or simply on the floor next to the machines.

2008-06-14T11:02:00.000Z

It is nobler to be good, and it is nobler to teach others to be good -- and less trouble!
- Mark Twain

2008-06-13T23:25:00.005Z

Every Friday the 13th, bikers from all over the world congregate at the tiny village of Port Dover. This year, with near-perfect weather, their numbers may have set a world record: over 150,000 people came to this small Lake Erie port (population 3500). The residents not only don't mind, they welcome!

(And in Ontario, this is legal!)

2008-06-13T11:39:00.001Z

Unicorns are real:

2008-06-12T23:27:00.001Z

Consider yourself hugged.