Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.
- Seneca

Calvin: Why does the sun go from east to west?
Dad: Solar wind.

Calvin: Where does the sun go when it sets?
Dad: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff.
Calvin: Oh.
Dad: That's why the rocks there are so red.
Calvin: Don't the people get burned up?
Dad: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at night.

Calvin: Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands?
Dad: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Calvin: I thought I read that the sun was really big.
Dad: You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.

Calvin: So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night?
Dad: Well, time for bed.

- Calvin and Hobbes

Intellectualism must not be confused with wisdom.

Nurse to expectant father: Just because you have been kept waiting so long, it does not mean the baby will be a girl.

Clock: a small mechanical device to wake up people who have no children.

Any fiction that comes from the government must come directly from the prime minister's office.
- Royal Canadian Air Farce

In 1714, an Englishman named Henry Mill is believed to have been the first person to have come up with the idea of the mechanical typewriter, a machine originally intended to help the blind to communicate. No word yet on whether he also came up with the first typo.

Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend -- if you have one.
- George Bernard Shaw

The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.

It was so hot today, guys were hanging around outside the convenience store, smoking Popsicles.

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
- Upton Sinclair

Calvin: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at greater speed.
Dad: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.
- Calvin and Hobbes

No one is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off.

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
- from a church bulletin

It is against the law in New York for men to flirt with women, punishable by a fine of $25. Specifically, it is against the law for men to turn around on any city street and look "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

To tell the difference between weeds and young plants, just pull them all out. The ones that come up again are weeds.

It is amazing what little harm doctors do when one considers all the opportunity they have.
- Mark Twain

COBOL: Completely Over and Beyond Reason or Logic.

In 1974 Philippe Petit, a French aerialist, became the only person ever to have walked the 200 feet between New York's World Trade Center towers on a tightrope 1,350 feet above the ground. He was convicted of having broken the peace: and his punishment was to entertain poor handicapped kids brought to Central Park, where he tightrope-walked across the Central Park lake.

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist's office. "Hello there," said one. "Are you coming or going?"

"If I knew that," said the other, "I would not be here."

Man to psychiatrist: I have neither illusions nor delusions, Doctor. My problem is that I exist day after day in a world of grim reality.

He who shouts loudest has the floor.

The easel's name is derived from the 17th C. Dutch "ezel", which means "donkey". Like the animal, the easel also carries a burden.

If the No.2 pencil is so popular, why is it still No.2?

If it is good, reasonably priced and necessary: they are sure to stop making it.

Bart Simpson at the chalkboard:

This school does not need a "regime change"

Emma Green, a graphic designer in Birmingham, England, has recreated Leonardo da Vinci's portrait of the Mona Lisa in the medium of toast. The 3 metre by 2 metre likeness required 144 pieces of toast, browned to the right degree of brownness using a toaster and a grill; and for the really black pieces, a blowtorch. The work of art was framed by croissants.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
- from a church bulletin