POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
Cops have nothing to go on

If Sarah Palin became president #1, #2, #3 ...

Q: What happens to baseball players who go blind?
A: They become umpires.

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- from a church bulletin

A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his honeymoon a chastened husband. He had become aware of the will of the wisp.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

Your Criticism Of Our Products
Reveals An Unsound Technical Background

As a man was driving to the airport, he saw a sign: "AIRPORT LEFT". So he turned around and drove home.

One of the first languages supported by Google was Klingon.

Just because they stole your identity does not mean they are the brightest cookies in the jar. Witness the identity thieves who tried to sell Herman Munster's personal information and credit card number, even accurately listing his home address as 1313 Mocking Bird Lane.

Bart Simpson at the chalkboard:

I am not the acting President

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
-Kodos

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.

From the Westcar Papyrus, roughly dated at 1600 BCE, and believed to be about King Snorfru:

Q: How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?
A: You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

ATTENTION

It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on August 4 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on August 5 (the time least likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologise. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

The mere impulse to appetite is slavery, while obedience to law we prescribe ourselves is liberty.
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- from a church announcement

I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen

Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law.
- Alex Levin

If I seem to take part in politics, it is only because politics encircles us today like the coil of a snake from which one cannot get out, no matter how much one tries. I wish therefore to wrestle with the snake.
- Mahatma Gandhi

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.
- James Dent

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
- J.B. Priestley

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
No sir, that is a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Question: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
- from a courtroom transcript